Blogilates 28 Day Reset: Day 4 & 5- Salsa Class and My First Blow Out

Nobody said this would be easy.....

What they also didn't say was that my first major blow out would come sooner than I thought.......

Day 4 for me was pretty good! I got my smoothie on in the morning, smashed out some errands and did my Blogilates videos before heading to my first Salsa class that night. 

Day 4's Lunch: If only all my meals could be this pretty and this delicious!

Oh my god! I had no idea that learning the 4 basic moves and practicing them over an hour could be such a cardio workout! Not only that but I was sweating my boobs off in the worlds least ventilated room with 50+ others. Was it worth it though? Definitely! I can't wait to go back next week.

My joy was short lived though as Friday (Day 5) I woke up and suffered a horrible episode of BPD for the entire day. Part of which involved consuming an entire pizza - Uh Oh! Somehow I still did my Beginners Calendar workout however and this morning got straight back on the horse with my diet. I remember whilst eating the pizza- it tasted amazing! However I didn't feel full and honestly feel just gross afterwards.

Even though today was Rest Day (Hello Paleo Banana Pancakes) and the day after my major blow out it felt like my stomach fat was a bit looser and my energy levels are still wayyyy up than before I started eating healthier.

Rest Day Paleo Pancakes: I finally mastered these- Time consuming and bit eggy but still good!
Plus an Almond Milk protein shake 

Also! How amazing is Brown Rice? Super filling and it smells like porridge when I'm cooking it (Yeah I know I'm weird for loving the smell of porridge). I love that it gets to be part of my meals and I'm super excited to attempt Cucumber and Avocado Sushi with it next week. 

Anyway that's all for now!

Blogilates 28 Day Reset: Day 3

Hello,

Today was not my best day! I went to bed last night feeling feverish and sore and bleach and woke up feeling not much better physically and pretty emotional. So I decided to load up with a "Comfort Food" breakfast of Gluten Free toast topped with Avocado, Tomato and Egg with a side of "Hot Chocolate" (Protein powder I found the back of the pantry and Unsweetened Almond milk). It tasted amazing and made me feel a lot better!

The offending meal......

Sadly my joy was short lived as the post on Facebook attracted some rather unwanted comments that made me feel quite depressed. I tried to rest as much as possible for the rest of the day- keeping in mind my very full on day tomorrow and the need to maintain my mental health.

Exercise wise I felt that the videos were almost a bit easy which I didn't mind so much as I was feeling it from the Bubble Butt Workout from yesterday. It amazes me how much my muscles can burn the day after from a few 5min videos! My first Salsa class is tomorrow and I'm ridiculously excited for it! Hopefully the inclusion of a few 1hr intensive activities a week will make a real difference.

As I sobbed to my housemate whilst preparing dinner; This Reset is really F****** Hard! And there is no way to sugar coat that (Pun Intended) I'm tired as my body detoxes, I'm cranky, I want to cry constantly, my body aches and a photo of cake makes me drool like you wouldn't believe. The unsolicited advice - although probably well meaning- hurt so much as it just felt like another stab by someone who didn't get how hard this journey really is. Although I'm putting on a brave face; This truly is the most vulnerable I've ever been.

Anyway hopefully tomorrow will be better! I will endure!

Dinner: Baby Spinach topped with a cup of mashed Sweet Potato and Stewed Lentils 

Blogilates 28 Day Reset: Day 1 & 2

Day 1: The journey begins!

Hey Guys,

So I know it's been a while but I'm back on the blogosphere as I really want to document the super exciting new journey I've started on.

As some of my older followers may remember; About a year ago I discovered Blogilates and the brilliant world of Cassey Ho. In January and February of 2016 I set about attempting to complete the Beginners Workout Calendar as well as 2 x 30 Day Challenges. Although I succeeded in losing 8cm off my body and about 3kg over the month- I didn't stick with it and struggled to find a dietary balance.

Over the course of 2016 my life changed in a lot of big ways. My relationship of over 2 years ended, I moved interstate to Melbourne and I struggled to complete my Certificate III in Individual Support (Aged Care) whilst living out of hotels.

It was a hard year and as I battled with endless amounts of stress and depression; my diet and exercise regime fell into the ditch and then got eaten by a feral cat.

In November I finished my Certificate III and a few weeks later finally landed some stable accomodation. As  I celebrated the end of my course and got giddy on Eggnog and the greatest Black Forest dessert in existence I began to take notice of the toll the year had taken on my body.

Celebrating Graduation- There is so much love in this photo
And yet all I see is my larger than life body 

At 102 kg I am the heaviest I've ever been, struggle with half a flight of stairs, suffer acid reflux and nerve pain and cry if I go anywhere near a ladies clothing section in a store. For someone who used to jog 5km up and around hills for fun: I'm not proud of who I've become.

A few days before the new year began I was searching through my emails when I came across an email from Blogilates. It was a link to a PDF which gave instructions on how to the 28 Day Food Reset from the PIIT28 Program. Being poor, I'd never been able to justify the $80 Aus for the PIIT28 Exercise program- let alone the diet aspect. But here lay a unique, realistic and most importantly FREE opportunity to get my health back on track.

The Challenge 

Unlike most detox's or diets; The rules for the 28 Day Reset are pretty simple:

For 28 Days omit the following from your diet whilst working out 6 days a week with 1 Rest Day.

- No Gluten
- No Dairy
- No Added Sugar
- No Alcohol and
- No Processed Foods

Sounds really hard right? Not quite

For me the whole dairy and no alcohol thing wasn't really going to be an issue. I barely eat dairy due to my intolerance (Not that I hadn't enjoyed some serious cheese over the holidays) and alcohol often gives me reflux anyway. Taking out Gluten and Processed Foods would be interesting as I absolutely love my bread and beef mince for cooking. Added Sugar? Well it was about time I broke that addiction. As I'm struggling with my reflux a lot, I've also opted to give up coffee.

Before I started this challenge I wrote up a list of "Reset Safe" meals. The list contained 5 different breakfast options- such as Oats w/ Berries and Maple Syrup (my natural sweetener of choice) and 17 Dinner/Lunch options that were more than just "salad".

As for the workouts I'm giving The Beginner's Calendar another crack and next week I'll be introducing 2 x 1hr dance classes a week plus 1hr a week doing laps at the local pool. Really trying to find fun and enjoyable exercise options that don't break the bank ($10 a week total for 3hrs of exercise? Hell yes!).

It's Day 2 and so far I'm going ok. I'm really enjoying the food so far- Especially the GF Veggie "Burgers" I made tonight with Avocado Pesto (That stuff is addictive AF). Exercise wise? Despite not being able to properly do some of the workout moves I'm still getting serious day after muscle burn which is good.

Tonights culinary success! Note the dripping Avo Pesto

Today I went to my local bulk foods store and stocked up on ingredients for smoothies and picked up almost a kilo of Epsom salts to soak my sore muscles later this week.

Emotionally/ Energy wise I find myself feeling tired and getting a much better sleep at night. I've been feeling pretty cranky detoxing from the sugar, gluten and caffeine; However I'm hopeful that clears up soon. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm at the beginning of something new and remain positive about the process- it takes 21 days to break a new habit and it's always hard at the beginning of new journey's.

Anyway, That's all for now. I will keep you posted on my progress and if anyone has any questions about the #28DayReset feel free to send me a message.

The Little Things

Six weeks ago, as I wrote down my goals and plans for the new year, I was doubtful. Even though I hoped I would stick to my plans and actually lose weight, I was realistic and didn't think that it would happen at all.

January I was the definition of a good intended new years resolution. I ate well, and emotionally punished myself when I didn't. I pushed myself through Blogilates workouts that frankly I hated and got mad at myself if I didn't workout. I stressed over the thought of eating out with friends and the fear of temptations.

But then one night I snapped! And while my housemate had his back turned for 10 seconds I woofed down an entire box of Chicken Nuggets. But then it hit me: I had made working out and healthy eating a guilt laden responsibility. It was no longer fun!

So I've been changing things up a bit. I'm focused more on the positive. If I eat a handful of chocolates or have pancakes for dinner (Which it was literally sacrilegious not too yesterday) then it's not a big deal. If I can't afford as much veggies this week then that's OK.  I don't work out for a day because my legs are dying from the HIIT the day before? That's chill, my muscles totally deserve a break.

And now if I'm being honest? My workouts truly are the best part of my day. 

People always say that attitude is crucial when it comes to fitness or weight loss and I never realised how true that is until now. Having always felt so self-conscious and I guess scared of coming across as pretentious, I find being proud of myself and celebrating myself really hard.

But as I'm growing to love myself that is changing so tonight I am insanely excited and proud to announce the following.

Yesterday for the first time in my life I was able to properly do a Double Leg Lift.............

This is actually wayyyy harder than it looks (Image Credit: Blogilates)

Since the 1st of January 2016 I have.............

• Lost 4kg of weight off my whole body 
• 6cm off each of my Thighs and 5cm off my Stomach
• A total body loss of 23cm!!!! 

I know to some people these numbers maybe seem like nothing but to me they are everything! They are motivation, inspiration and proof of what I'm capable of! They are proof that I can push through a plateau (I'm looking at you....week of January 20th) and that I'm not a total failure.

I'm pretty sure everyone says this but.....I really am grateful to all my close friends and family that are being so supportive. To an extent: Changing yourself and your life alters your relationships and perceptions of others. You begin to really see who are the positives and negatives in your life and become more appreciative of some whilst letting go of others and their negativity.

To those fantastic people who are embracing the new me and cheering me on on Facebook, giving me new fitness motivation over dinner or making plans to go workout together instead of eat together. THANK YOU! I am so appreciative to have you in my life and to have such a sincere cheer squad when I need it.

This particularly applies to Rachel, Dani, Carl, Kirsty, Craig, Aunty Fi and Olena- I normally don't mention people by name in here but you guys- Just cheer squad goals..... seriously! Oh yeah I should probably also thank Scott for putting up with my inconsistently-successful-healthy-cooking and the questionable "sex noises" made whilst doing Blogilates videos.

I'm all teared up now so in conclusion: Here's the little things and the happier, healthier me! *Raises glass of foot flavoured "Detox" Water*

Becoming "That Girl"

Hey Guys!

So it's January 27th and I initially planned to write this post on January 30th but I'm having a housewarming party and will probably be wayy too tired to do it the next day so I've decided to do it tonight.

Anyway. A recent post I made was about my story and although I didn't really go into detail about the weight and body image aspect of my life, I hope you guys gathered the general gist of it.

In case you didn't, I grew up in a family with a very dominant obesity gene. I was pretty lucky though and despite suffering body image issues for other reasons, I maintained a size 12-16 through high school and then prior to May last year, a size 12.

So naturally, not only did I grow up with the importance of healthy eating being drilled into my head but also having a serious judgement for anyone who was "That Girl"

You know who "That Girl" is. Her postal address is the gym, Her Instagram is responsible for the invention of #cleaneating and the Activewear Song was written about her. She's the single most annoying person you know and I, for one, HATED her.

But here's the crazy thing. As I'm watching myself become "That Girl", I'm learning some pretty cool stuff about her. She's got a really positive outlook on life. Challenges that come her way aren't the end of the world, they're just challenges that she knows she can overcome. Her anxiety is so much better managed and in the hours after her workout- she's that bit happier.

A year ago food was an emotional crutch for me. Every week I'd scourer the supermarket catalogue to see if my favourite treats were on sale. I still do that, but now its accompanied by squeals of joy as I discover avocados are on sale.

If any of you read my post on January 1st about how this "isn't some new years resolution and I'll actually stick with it" and were secretly thinking "Yeah right Cara, this won't last the month"  then you weren't alone. That thought ran through my head every day of the first 2 weeks, and honestly it still creeps back in there sometimes. But here I am nearly 1 month later and I'm still going. I'm so proud of myself for coming this far. Of continuously trying to eat healthier and exercise even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.

In other exciting news: I'm starting TAFE again next week and to be honest I'm super nervous about repeating the course I failed last year. But as one of my mentors pointed out, I've got a serious advantage this time. I know what caused me to fail last time. I know what's coming and how to be fully prepared for it. This time, I believe in myself!

Being "That Girl" is exhausting, fun, intense, crazy, scary and the best decision I've ever made.

Sorry Instagram, but I'll never be joining this bandwagon

Define "Australia Day"

Today is January 26th- Australia Day, which is supposed to be a day of doing what us Aussies do best- relaxing and being grateful for the great country we get to call home. Whether it's relishing in that sweet, sweet public holiday pay at work (Cheers Unions!) or pretending you actually know how to play backyard cricket, it's all about having fun and in general being Aussie.

When I was a kid, Australia Day usually involved some form of patriotic food (I'm talking serious lamington binge here people) or watching Dad justify a couple of VB's whilst sweltering round the tv watching sport of some kind. There was no mention of political correctness, torching vegans or "Invasion Day" it was just a day where we were grateful for the roof over our heads and the food to eat. To me, Australia Day is just the Australian equivalent of "Thanksgiving", minus the turkey's the size of small houses (Seriously Americans! How do you people eat those things!)

Last week consumers chucked a fit over Australia Day caps from Woolworths that had "accidentally" left Tasmania out of the Australian Flag, 3 days later some poor Coles employee, in Toowong,  was probably char-grilled over why they had put up flags that had the southern cross backwards. But most shockingly of all; Twitter went ballistic over the 2016 "Australia Day Lamb" ad that featured the torching of a vegan's home.

Seriously! Aside from the Bogan's who'd even notice a difference?

All of this is in addition to the fact that whenever I signed into Facebook today there was a whole new slew of posts about "Invasion Day" and "Honoring our Indigenous heritage". Nothing about salty beach cricket, praises to our amazing emergency services who worked to keep everyone safe today, or even a slightly racist joke!

How the bloody hell did we get to the point of such obsession with political correctness? Since when did we lose our ability to laugh at ourselves or shrug it off? Whatever happened to "No worries mate" or "She'll be right"?

Let's be real for a second here people..........

Our country was built on the backs of hard work, mateship and fun! Yeah we fucked up and technically stole the island off it's indigenous owners but we've grown from that. We apologised (Well Kevin did anyway) and have worked so hard to show you guys we're sorry! But why are we still beating ourselves up 200 years (and multiple generations) later and furthermore still dwelling on it? At what point do we forgive ourselves, grab a beer and get on with it?

We're the country that prides itself on commemorating it's greatest military failure every year (Anzac Day), Our best comedians make their annual incomes from insulting the current prime minister/s, Just about every animal can and will try to kill you and questionably racist insults pre-date our federation.

Our entire culture and international image focuses around traditions and attitudes that simply aren't true anymore! And when you boil it down the fact is this: I don't care if you're Indigenous, Bogan, Gay, Straight, Vegan, Coeliac, Catholic, Muslim, Overweight, Depressed or Tony Abbott, if you're able to laugh at yourself and hand me a pair of tongs if I need them- You're an Aussie!

Happy Australia Day!

C'mon we're even prone to "borrowing" national icons

The Lonely Hours

It's been 2 weeks almost since I started the 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge and Day 2 of the POP Pilates for Beginners 4 week workout plan. So far I'm sticking to my schedule and as much as I've cried in pain over the insane amount of flexing involved and all but swam in my own sweat I'm in general feeling good.My anxiety is under better control as well which is a definite added bonus.

I read motivational quotes and repeat them to myself, I drink protein shakes and I talk myself out of ice cream cravings. Every day I get up and force myself to work out because I know that if I don't, I will be the same miserable girl I used to be and I never want to be that again.

But let's get real for a second here. Just because I'm personally going through this awesome process in my life doesn't mean everyone or everything else is. I'm still dealing with residual problems from last year and sometimes they feel even harder to overcome because I'm doing this too.

 Sure I might make jokes about how all the extra cleaning I'm doing is extra kj's being burnt but that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling the pain of the betrayal of my old housemates. I might smile when Scott makes a comment about the exercises in the workout I'm doing but that make me any less angry that he isn't on the floor with me. I try and be positive when my friend offers me advice from 300km away, but truth is I want to punch her in the face because, to me, I need this so much more than she does and I hate that she's excelling and I'm not.

The truth is that starting this journey I had no idea how lonely or unsupported I'd feel. That secretly I hate that the one person who's supposed to jump on this with me sits there and drinks soft drink in front of me and has the audacity to make comments about the workout that I'm busting my ass over.

 I hate the fact that I have no one cheering me on or even friend's who are willing to go out and eat $15 salads with me so I can feel supported. I hate that the only person doing this with me makes me feel like crap and guilty because they've somehow made this a competition. I hate that I don't have family hugging me and supporting me when I feel so alone.

The truth about losing weight is that it's 50% diet and exercise and the other 50 dealing with the deepest pain and insecurities that you never wanted to deal with. There's no cupcakes to fill that void or chocolate to hide it with.

I'm learning that it's one thing to force myself to do one more reverse crunch. But it's another to sit and cry about the loss of my family, or come to terms with all the bad things that have happened in my life. To accept that even though it was 8 years ago, I'm still living with the scars of my trauma. That all those cruel girls in school weren't my fault and that I deserve better than every guy who's hurt me or the father who left me at conception.

That it's ok to feel pain over all these things and to need to take 5 and just cry. That I don't need to be ashamed of my existence like I've been conditioned to believe. That I will be OK.

I'm sorry for the ramble, and I'm sure a lot of you were hoping for a more positive post. I'm sorry to anyone I've offended, wait no I'm not? Why would I apologise for being honest? Anyway thanks for listening internet. Stay Shiny!

Recap: End of week 1

Hi guys!
So incase you haven't noticed I've been posting a fair bit about my lifestyle changes on here and it's something I plan on continuing. It's a great way for me to out my ever changing feelings about this new way of living and also keep myself accountable to some extent.

So it's almost the end of the first week of 2016 and in general I'm feeling pretty good about it so far. I'm really surprised at what I'm finding the most challenging with diet and exercise.


Diet

Initially I thought it would really hard to give up the junk food's I love (Oh how I miss you sneaky-entire-box-of-cookies) but truthfully it hasn't. Every day I'm looking up various new recipes on Blogilates.com and consulting my new cookbooks and I have to tell you there's some pretty delicious options out there.

Although I'm not following a strict kilo joule count or diet, I am being more aware of what I'm consuming and have taken to reading the nutritional info on all products I buy. I can see why it's so easy to put on weight when there's so many misleading products on the market. Shopping at Coles tonight I was horrified at the fat and sugar content of previously "essential" items.

 I had a set back yesterday and binged on a chocolate milkshake. But today I picked myself back up again and got right back on the healthier snacks. After the hard time I've been having detoxing I'm surprised I didn't feel worse today.

The Chicken Mexican salad that I took to my baby sitting job the other day

Exercise 

Even though my focus this month is more so on changing my diet, I've been doing the Blogilates 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge. So far I've been managing to do the exercises every night before bed. Although I can't see an improvement yet I am slowly starting to feel myself getting stronger each night.

On Monday I decided I was also going to do the Blogilates January Calendar of workout videos. I managed 4/8 videos assigned for that day and by the end of the fourth one I was apparently making sex noises whilst swearing profusely at my laptop and sweating to the point of where I probably could've solved Queensland's drought crisis with my back sweat alone.

Sufficient to say that after feeling the wrath of muscles I didn't know I had for the last 2 days this goal has now been adjusted to aiming to do 2 workout videos 3 times a week.

Mental 

As my attitude towards food has been changing I'm noticing more and more how much I used to rely on food for an emotional crutch and as a solution to boredom. This, combined with the current stress of my life and tiredness from detoxing, has been really hard to deal with. Monday night I had a severe anxiety episode (Probably the worst so far) which was quite distressing for all involved. I'm scared the anxiety will return full time. I haven't eaten out with anyone other than Scott yet, and I'm super nervous about this as there are so few healthy restaurants and I don't have the most supportive network of friends. Still, I'm trying to be as positive as possible and snatch up any moments of joy I get!

All in all I'm feeling pretty good in general about the changes so far and am staying focused on the little victories and celebrating them with loads of self praise and self love. Even though they are probably nothing to everyone else to me they are everything and I'm so proud of myself.

Tonight's mouthwatering green pasta. Zucchini vegetti with roasted Kent pumpkin, ricotta, shallots and baby spinach.

Reflections on the Uncreation of Elkenwood

Greetings my minions! (errrr I mean faithful band of relatives/ friends),

I've never attempted a review before so naturally I was pretty stoked when my request to review a debut single for a local (an in my opinion rather epic band) was gratuitously granted.

Sure this band describes themselves as being "Progressive black folk metal" which means that if I screw this up I'll probably end up stumbling around a Norwegian forest with Elk antlers attached to my head wearing nothing but a majestic as fuck fur coat, but lets not go into that.

Now I know nothing about metal but I do appreciate good music. So when my , then coworker, Gareth Graham struck up a conversation about the ethics of a tender moment with David Gilmour, I was intrigued. Fortunately this conversation quickly strayed and I was soon introduced to the delightfully eccentric and talented Nic Williams and then, by extension, Elkenwood.

Based in Brisbane, Elkenwood describes themselves as drawing their influence from "the natural world, astronomy, astral planes, Tolkien, psychedelia, lupines and cervines, boreal habitats and taiga forest, the 1970's, Mary Jane, love, life and death" (Taken from their website) but to me that description doesn't do it justice.

Elkenwood's debut "Uncreation" is what I'm guessing the eternal birthing of the universe (or Gareth Graham's soul) sounds like. It's a tangle of melodic guitar and roughly hewn vocals graced with elements reminiscent of "Great Gig in the Sky" (Dark Side of the Moon 1973). Performed by Nic Williams (Lead Guitar), Gareth Graham (Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar, Piano, Bass), Sid Falck (Drums) and Dalton Wilson (Acoustic Guitar) it truly is a testament to the thriving cesspool of talent that is the Brisbane music scene.

I encourage all of you to uncreate yourselves and check them out!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Elkenwoodband
Reverbnation: http://www.reverbnation.com/elkenwood
Twitter: https://twitter.com/elkenwoodband
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjPoujIXvT1SrjbDWraSlrw

Maple Bacon Beer Battered Cupcakes

It's safe to say S and I's relationship is built on 3 things: Assembling furniture, Offensive to everyone but ourselves humor and binge watching t.v series. Whether it's Falling Skies, Big Bang Theory or Grey's Anatomy it's tradition to for us to curl up, blast the air con and get our girl/ nerd on every night.

Our current binge? 2 Broke Girls and before you ask: No, I didn't have to duct tape, bound and gag S (or as I like to call him Gurrrrrrl) to watch it. Aside from the fact that Kat Dennings is officially my spirit animal, as an amateur baker I've found myself interested in the cupcakes themselves. Of particular fascination was the "Spring Break Beer Battered Maple Bacon Cupcakes (For Stoners)" (Episode 19, Season 1).

Now even to me, the idea that you could actually get functioning cupcakes out of a batter made with beer- the properties of which are generally counter intuitive to the normal processes of baking, seemed highly unlikely. A quick Google search and the internet seemed to agree. Although many a blogger had tried, it seemed no one had truly succeeded and we'd all just resigned ourselves to the fact that the writers of 2BG were cracked (Gasp!).

With all of this in mind, I- against all sane logic and life prospects, decided to try it anyway. So I threw Dark Side of the Moon on the record player (seemed appropriate) and got to work.

After I preheated the oven. I started the batter mix. Now beer in mind, when I usually bake, I use Coles Canola Spread- because it's cheap and is very soft to work with even when it's well refrigerated. However, given the margarine of error with this dish. I decided it was best to use actual butter.

After beating the eggs, sugar, vanilla and butter it was time to add the beer. Because S absolutely hates beer, I went with James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale, it's lack of bitterness and fruity base made it an ideal choice, knowing if things went south I could easily mask the beer-ness with other ingredients.

 At first I was cautious and only added half the bottle initially, however after I rechecked the consistency I added more for flavour. Obviously, use your own preferences and add more (or less!) of the sugar and beer as you so squire.

Next came the candied bacon. With this I really wanted to keep some continuity of flavour, so I actually used a combination of maple syrup, raw sugar and the leftover beer to candy it in the pan.

Finally came making the frosting, and I'm proud to say I mastered buttercream at last!. Although I will point out that making buttercream and assembling cupcakes in a hot kitchen on a sweltering Australian summer's eve is a bitch to do and would definitely not recommend the experience to anyone!

In total the batch I made yielded about 12 normal sized cupcakes and took around an 1- 1.5hrs to make.

Before I hand you over to the recipe and your own devices, a word on the taste. I know a lot of you are probably raising your eyebrows and thinking "How the F could this possibly taste good" but hear me out.

The final product is an experience. The beer and sugar reaction in the cupcake gives it an almost salty, almost molasses, almost yeasty taste with a flawless crumbly texture. The maple frosting is sweet and buttery and keeps hitting you over and over again in waves. Finally the bacon on top adds a new dimension and startles the palette- personally it left me craving pineapple and beach burgers.

All in all it's best described at the first guy you ever loved. It's quirky, its weird, you don't wanna ruin your friendship and yet somehow you just work.

So here it is. My recipe for Stoners Cupcakes!

CARA'S Maple Bacon Beer Battered Cupcakes 

Ingredients 

Cupcakes 

200g Actual Butter (I use Coles brand because I'm poor but any will probably do)
1.5 cups Raw Sugar
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
2 tbs Maple Syrup
300mls ish James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale
1/2 tsp Cinnamon
1 Egg
1.5-2 cups Wholemeal Self Raising Flour

Candied Bacon 

4-5 strips Streaky Bacon
1 tbs Maple Syrup
2 tbs Raw Sugar
Small Splash of James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale

Frosting 

250g Actual Butter
1/4 cup Maple Syrup
3 ish cups Icing Sugars

Method 

1. Cupcakes: Beat the egg, sugar, butter, vanilla, maple syrup and cinnamon in a bowl. When creamed, add beer and flour and beat until smooth. Pour into greased cupcake whatevers (Personally I LOVE using silicon moulds) and put in a preheated oven to bake at 175 degrees for approx 30 mins or until firm to touch. Remove and place on rack to cool.

2.  Candied Bacon: In a greased pan, fry bacon with maple syrup, sugar and beer until fossilized. Allow to cool and dry on paper towels then roughly chop into small pieces.

3.Frosting:  In another bowl: Beat the maple syrup and butter whilst slowly adding in the icing sugar until the mixture is roughly the consistency of smooth mashed potatoes.

4. Assembly: Use either a butter knife or piping bag (This really depends on how lazy you're feeling) to spread a layer of frosting on each cupcake. Top with pile of candied bacon.

5. Serving suggestion: Put on Pink Floyd, Get yourself baked and Enjoy!

The Lonely Days

I am 22.

 I live with my boyfriend of over a year, how lovely it feels to say I've been with him for over a year, and my housemate Matt.

 From the outside I have it good. But then I tell you I'm unemployed and maybe you question otherwise.

 I spend my days alone- Scott working seemingly never ending shifts to pay rent and Matt often drifting through the house on a faint whisp of gin.

My friends consist of the old high school chum and his eternal fascination with the monotony of metro-fashion shopping trips and lattes, milk no sugar.

The journalist- with her golden mane, grit determination and butterfly aura.

The Catholic- and his eternal conversation of philosophy and more hidden meanings than a Quentin Tarantino film

And of course my housemate Matt- an evolved alcohol enthusiast who had almost literally carved his thighs into the recliner within a week of moving in.

Does it still look good? Should I mention the father whom, after 22 years of absence, had nestled his way into my life complete with a rich family history and more in common with me than my mother?

Here I am surrounded by people who love me, who cradle me in their lives and let me sob over missing laundry. Yet I am alone

Each day I assess the guilt or death glares earned should I not clean the house, channel surf through Foxtel until I am the t.v guide and count down the hours until the evitable falling asleep in Scott's arms whilst watching Grey's Anatomy late into the night.

I miss the mundane bitching about a boss or clients at work and almost crave the stress of losing an assignment 2 days before it's due.

I have been depressed in my life, but never before have I been just miserable. I'm well aware of everyone around me- keeping me company and trying not to show their concern. Which is why I hide it too, putting on brave faces at cafes and faking laughter in the supermarket.

Each and every day. I fight through the lonely days

An Open Letter to Merida

Dear Merida,

It's been 2 month's since you walked away and for 2 months I've been trying to find the right words to say.

I got accepted into a Prep Program at university starting next year. Reese and I are moving in together come the new year too. All my dreams are coming true and you're not here.
Maybe it's the summer rain, maybe it's the big life choices. But either way I miss you. I miss late nights and bottles of wine on your dining room table with the dogs licking our feet.

I keep trying to fill the void. Thinking  that if I love Reese enough or talk to Lesh enough that it will be filled. But the truth is that every night I cry for my best friend and that when Reese had his attack, all I wanted was you.

Remember that Grey's Anatomy quote that goes "Derek's the love of my life, but you're my soulmate"? Sometimes I think that's still true . Reese is everything to me. He's the reason I get up in the morning and why I can still giggle and smile. But he's not you. He doesn't get Carina jokes and he doesn't want to put on makeup and drink champagne till we fall off the table.

I'm mad at you because you walked away and because Reese put me in that position and because I fucked things up with you like everything else in my life. I don't deserve the things I have and God I'd give them all to have you back.

I still love you and wish it wasn't so hard to live without you sis
- Seven

One moment at a time

"Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, *Cara. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary"- Adaption of the Yoga Jones quote from OINTB

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then surely the road to self-actualization is paved with loneliness and wars with time, or at least that's what I've garnered over the last month.

I don't know if it was by pure coincidence but September was one of the most strange months of my existence. One of transition and development and working harder than ever to push towards self actualization. 

Over the space of about 2 weeks. I lost my relationship of 6 months, my best friend of 2 years and had my car breakdown to the point of the needing nearly a grand in repairs. But I didn't fall apart. Instead I got up and watched as metaphorical windows began shattering around me. 

It's hard to explain what my life is at the present. How the passage of time is always painfully slow.  There are new periods of great loneliness and I miss constantly talking to the now ex and former best friend. Some days this manifests as a dark depression- a deep pool of pain as the extrovert inside me craves the company of others yet other days as a sign of addiction and gratitude at a chance for withdrawal and moving forward. 

It's a bizarre place to be in. One with a now seemingly over abundance of freedom, where aside from work I have 142 hours of free time. A number that near constantly overwhelms me. 

But that is the sheer beauty. I am free.  I feel closer than ever to myself, and have found a new sweetness of bond with my ex. I cherish the relationships I have with those around me and relish in the moments of sweet joy: of sex to the sound of rain on the tin roof, cuddles with my baby 'niece', floating in the pools in Southbank and the rush of endorphins when dancing.

There's no doubt that Reece and Merida changed me for the better. That thanks to them I walk forward confidently and with a fresh perspective on life. Despite our bitter ending- Merida taught me the true meaning of independence and how being alone is sometimes the best.

Then there's Reece, a person who I will always consider a close personal friend. I cannot thank you enough for cleaning the mirror and showing me how beautiful I am, for walking beside me as I hit milestone upon milestone in my personal life and for being the wonderfully rare kindred spirit that you are.

I've learnt to live by living each moment and not thinking more than five in advance. September taught me that life can change in a moment and the only way to move forward is to keep walking and being present.



As part of my healing process immediate post break up. I took a self portrait every day for the first week after. Here is my story (in random order)

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate the way you snore and are never on time,

I hate your bad puns and childish ways.

And how I want hold you for days and days

I hate that I’m writing this, and how badly I rhyme

I  really hate the way you handle me, the way you can’t speak girl

Yet more so I hate the way you make it ok, the way you rock my world.

I hate that I can’t fix you when you’re hurt or understand what’s going on.

I hate that you don’t try to fix this, even though something’s clearly wrong.

But most of all......

I hate that I let myself fall in love and that now whenever you suffer, I suffer too.

I never want the pain of ever losing you.

You're my person!

When I was a kid there was one thing I wanted every year for Christmas. 

I wanted a best friend!

Unfortunately Santa never delivered. So year after year I hid away in the friendship of Anne and Diana- there was literally a point where I could quote half those damn books. I resigned myself to the fact that I was NEVER going to find someone as crazy as me.

                                                        (I always wanted a bosom friend)

Fast forward like a decade and something weird happened. I met my best friend at an art exhibition, that admittedly I only went along to for the free wine. Little did I realize that the Weasley look alike with the scary heals was masking what I'd wanted my whole life and that although we didn't know it then, our lives were about to be changed forever. 

     (This is pretty much what happened)

Let me try and explain.

I'm Dinky and she's Merida. 

We have that relationship where we can read each others minds so well that we scare the crap out of our boyfriends- best party trick EVER!. 

We understand our mutual co-dependency's on wine and coffee and don't judge them. 

We speak random babble fluently and yes we do start twitching without contact for over a week - the month we broke up was the WORST of my life.  

She's my sister, confidant, shopping assistant, life coach, soon to be business partner and my person

I love her and, despite being slightly annoyed that it took us 19 years to meet even though we grew up in the same town, I couldn't imagine my life without her. So remember- every once in a while- childhood dreams do come true. 

The Honeymoon is Over!

In every relationship, there's a "honeymoon" period. You're madly in love, they're perfect and the sex is mindblowing. But then the pigeon slams into the window and it shatters. Suddenly you'reacutely aware of their snoring, nagging voice and morning breath.

This week I learnt that adulthood has its own Honeymoon period. You start out fresh out of home- Centrelink and Mummy have your back! Pay Day is Pub Day and any money you earn is immediately spent on hipster tees, a gym membership and Chai lattes (The 2014 West End version of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll).

In the space of 3 days Centrelink axed my Healthcare Card, my car faltered for unknown reasons (leading me to quickly realise that "Boyfriend" is not Australian slang for "Taxi") and Mummy just couldn't save me this time.

There's no easy way to say it: Adulthood sucks! Working your ass off all week and then realising you have a choice between eating or medication isn't fun, nor is never having enough time for your loved ones or having to figure out tax returns.

Yet the thing is. I still wouldn't change a thing. Being an adult is exhausting and so overrated but in a way it's fun. Remember being a kid and playing "Grown ups"? No, not every day is like that, but God it's fun when it is! When I go to work for a week and come home to Reese having made me dinner, or sitting around for hours drinking wine with Merida - and subsequently challenging every fictional best friend relationship in history. It's well worth it for that!

     (Also when you make your bedroom look like an Ikea catalogue)

Woo Hoo *Bitchy Woman

Being a woman is a bitch!

I swear if I hear one more man complain about PMS or hear the phrase "Damn it woman". I'll become a lesbian just to troll you all. 

Being a woman isn't fun! Whilst I'm sure the male gender comes with your own problems. I'm yet to hear you fella's being teased about your emotions- the closest you get to that is the accusation that you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. 

Well, Why is being a woman such a bitch I hear you sarcastically ask. 

Let me break it down for you. Work, Body and ultimately - Society

Work

Can we please stop pretending that women aren't cut out for man's jobs? Or that there's even such a thing as a "man" or "woman's" job. I work in a physically demanding retail job. My boss and A.M are women and I promise you - we all work just as hard as any of our male coworkers. I'm lucky to work for a company that values equality- but damn I feel sorry for my sisters on salary who earn 70c to every man's $1. Is it worth mentioning that because of the laws around paid maternity, we're likely working harder than our male counterparts to make ends meat in some circumstances? 

To be clear- This our CURRENT Minister for Education 

Body

 If I hear one more word about 'empowering women' or 'body image' I'm going to burn and sacrifice my designer Zara dress........

Ok now I have your attention.....ladies and fashion conscious men. When I started this blog I vowed to be both brutally honest and cynical. I may have been away for a while but I'm back and tonight will be writing about something I'm truly passionate about- No it isn't wine- although that does explain my recent emplo.........Anyway. 

So there's a few things I take issue with here. But it all comes down to this

CAN WE PLEASE STOP CALLING CURVY WOMEN REAL WOMEN.........

Seriously!!!
A while ago I got into a discussion on social media with several young women on the topic of shaming women for different body sizes. 

As pointed out by S, 25 "Whether you're too large, or too small- just because you don't fit into societies norms  means you're fair game for anyone to have a crack at" (Read more: Like Seriously?)

 I find it disturbing that as a weird twist of 'protest' against the media culture of skinny models,  common society has started to shame skinny girls and praise curves. Get into a dictionary (No you may NOT cheat and Google it) and look up the definitions of "Real" and "Woman" I think you'll find that the only definition available is a human identifying as female. 

WHY THE HELL AM I RUNNING?????

When I was 12, puberty hit and I had firmly decided that, unlike my classmates, there was no point in running unless my life was in danger- pretty reasonable logic right? It wasn't apparently or at least not until 9 years later when Tracey Spicer got up the gall to tell it like it is. The Lady Stripped Bare

My next point on the topic of "Body". Our bodies take a beating- not only do we get the fun of childbirth but also the parasitic accomplice of PMS and menstruation.

Now while you guys are happily joking about your bitch being on the rags or yelling "Shut up woman" over our hormonal outbursts, we're battling a physical condition that is clearly an evolutionary joke.

 As any loving father of daughters or emotionally in tune boyfriend will tell you- We are NOT having fun when we're clutching our uterus's and going through more emotions than Melbourne does weather in 30mins. So if we have the decency to not publicly mock your weird obsessions with boobs-  which by the way hurt, ooze, grow weird hairs and hate the booby prisons known as bra's, can you please shut up about our emotions?

                                                            Pretty much actually

Society

I know this girl called *Aleisha. She's one of the sassiest, most gorgeous women I've ever met and I'm proud to call her one of my best friends. To me she's just Aleisha- defined only by herself. But to so many others she's still defined by the fact she used to be *Stephen. Aleisha is an inspiration, because despite the fact it's the 21st century- she still battles against a society that condemns transgender people and sometimes seems hell bent on reverting back to the time before human rights or feminism itself.

Dear Society,

I don't care if you're male, female, conservative or a freaking squirrel. Can you please stop making it so damn hard for my gender.

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP WISHLIST

Making clothes shopping a trauma
Ruining our self-esteem and body confidence
Calling sexually liberated women Sluts and Whores
Putting stupid taxes on tampons
Discriminating against transgender and Bi people - No I'm not fucking "confused"
Mocking lesbians
Thinking all feminists hate men and we're just a hoard of angry vagina's
Judging us because of OUR choices about OUR lives - I'm looking at you anti-abortionists
Sending us mixed messages resulting in this ( Apparently we don't need feminism? )
Giving us crap if we're brave enough to speak up against anything

And FINALLY.................

Pissing us off to the point where we find it necessary to write posts like this in the first place!

It's August 2014 and I'm off to research entering a law degree

Losing yourself

It's raining, and rain makes me think. I have tea and an hour before I need to leave for work. This piece has been a work in the making of several months- So forgive the apparent lack of continuity. The thing is though- I don't make sense and that's whats so delightfully wonderful about me.

When I started writing this post, it began as a forced process to "prove a point" and ultimately ignore a now glaringly obvious point about my life. I'm hesitant to write this because of both my love of denial and tendency to have 'startling revelations' that result in intense face-palming and no action being taken. This is a relatively poignant moment for me though and it seems foolish to waste an opportunity to write.


 I've been absent for a few months and - despite the fact my readership probably consists of my parents best friend, I figured I owed it to you guys to get out of bed and bring my snarky cynicism back to the page.

I suppose part of the reason is because the last few months I feel like I havent had a voice- insert shield against feminist uproar/ accusation about having a patriarchal boyfriend here.

 My life has taken on a blissful level of boring, a world where my biggest whinge is that there's new species of mould growing in my housemates crockery- really wish I was kidding about that. It's not that I don't read feminist articles and rage over politics anymore, but rather I know that that's not going to pay my rent.....yet anyway.

Somehow in 4 months I've become an adult. Apparently that doesn't happen overnight, I call bullshit. I blame a few things, primarily my first 'adult relationship' and becoming totally financially independent - which I still think are seriously overrated by the way.

So I got a permanent part time job and within a week realized two major things. Firstly that retail is not an easy job and secondly? No wonder my parents are always so tired!.  Suddenly I LEGITMATELY  need to do my laundry, really really badly; end up looking at my pay check each week with a "I worked THAT hard for THIS", let alone my serious envy of people who get normal weekends. I love my job, and on a recent holiday-  I swear I started twitching after 4 days without it.

The other night we talked. Of the many things said and debated that night the one thing that truly smacked me in the fact was "You act like a 1950's conservative house wife", It came fast and furious. How had the once vivacious, independent and proudly feminist Cara  given way to what I'm pretty sure is Tony Abbott and Chris Pyne's ideal 'woman'. I had surrendered my voice, become dependent on a man and was insisting on doing the domestic chores constantly because "I'm a woman".

That night I made a promise to myself that the rule book went out the window- and it kind of has. This week a comedic hero died and my role model marriage fell apart. Nothing in life makes sense or is serious. It's so easy to get caught up in the hum drum of work, relationships and even depression. There is no startling revelations and no one is invincible. I'm violently against the taxes put on tampons and to hell with being a Stepford Wife.

There is so much I want to say and ask, and even with my lack of life skills. I really want to know how the hell you deal with a stray possum in the work place.

My house is a mess, and this week I was bitten by a crab the size of my thumbnail.

(Attempting to be a 1950's housewife)

Time Indifferent

I'm different. I accept that. 

I am 21 and something. I have a job. I have friends and a boyfriend. I appear normal. But am I?

Sixteen

My eyelids stay shut
I won't let them move
They are all that's keeping me here
Keeping that wave upon the sand

I step out in dress and shoes
A vision of crimson
Pose Smile Flash
Frozen in time

Sunshine filters through
Everything invites me in
Clasp tight upon my breast
Verbose Gumption

Wind Ice Sunrise
Running along the dune
Directors Cut

He traces
Love on my belly
Safety a vague identity

The ocean rushes
Wave reclaimed
Dreams shattered
Eye's awake

Seventeen

When you're failing english
I am there, study notes in hand

When you're fighting with your boyfriend
I am there, listening

When youre abandoned by your friends
I am there, sitting by your side

Yet when I'm failing science
You couldnt care less

When I'm crying over a friend
So sit there and say nothing

When you abandon me
Well thats that 

Eighteen 


Would they even notice?
If I went insane?

Would they even care?
If I went insane?


Would they even talk to me?
If I went insane?

What if suddenly?
I just stopped talking?
or stopping running around?

Would they even help?

Would they even notice?
If I went insane?

No! They'd be too embarrassed! 
Too horrified and ashamed!


Twenty-One 

Are things really different to then?
No?
Yes? 
Even I can't answer that.......

Into Darkness

Today I woke up, showered and then put on the same clothes I wore to bed. I was exhausted. I'm sleepy and sad and too tired to even make tea or food. Because what's the point?

I am 21 and yesterday my manager informed me I have no hours due to Easter. I cried, but then realised it didn't matter because I don't go out anymore anyway. Going out means putting on a bra and mental make up. It means working so hard to project an image that I'm ok and that I won't scream or claw at my skin in the street- even though I want too, every hour of every day.

I have a boyfriend, whom every day tries so hard to love me and yet whom I feel indifferent too. He may be the best thing that's happened to me in years and I know it but I can't feel it. My mind tells me I love him, but I can't remember the last time my body felt excited in his presence, that I felt like his actual girlfriend and not just a sock doll with painted on lips and eyes.

Some days are better than others, some days I can get up, clean the house, drink half a bottle of something and appear happy and normal to the world. But days like today I can't. I see no point in getting out of bed and question why I even bothered to shower.

At first depression is a really sad stage- we cry and drama to our friends and slowly but surely push them away. But as the disease advances- we stop caring, we feel horrible numbness and darkness and become committed to hiding it when we do venture to the world. I talk to my friends all the time on Facebook, but they never know what's going on inside.

Everything irritates me, and anything can set me off- So I try not to leave my room and my doona. For the first time in my life I am experiencing not just the emotional symptoms of depression but the physical too- and that really scares me.

All I want is to be normal, have energy and be able to get up and do things like normal people. I want to be beautiful and skinny and have a good job and wear nice clothes and a group of friends. But that will never be normal for me.  If I can write half a job application today- then that's something big.

Quite often it feels impossible to explain my definition of 'normal' but I imagine it's like the weather......in Melbourne. On average I get 180 days of sunshine a year if I'm lucky and even then I can go from freezing cold to sweltering heat to pouring rain to dust storms in the space of 30 mins.

Do you know how hard it is to study or work like that? When some days you feel like you never grew out of puberty with your hormones and others you just don't see the point of getting out of bed. My illness isn't a choice and I can't just get over it. It's a cage and I really don't have control over how I feel.

Convincing people that I'm not faking it or lazy or have a vicious personality or am attention seeking is hard. I even struggle to convince doctors sometimes. "Just because you don't understand it, Doesn't mean it isn't real to me!" is what I feel like screaming sometimes, but I don't because even then they'd laugh at me.

I am not writing this to garner attention or pity but to try and explain what it's like from the inside out.