It's been 2 weeks almost since I started the 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge and Day 2 of the POP Pilates for Beginners 4 week workout plan. So far I'm sticking to my schedule and as much as I've cried in pain over the insane amount of flexing involved and all but swam in my own sweat I'm in general feeling good.My anxiety is under better control as well which is a definite added bonus.
I read motivational quotes and repeat them to myself, I drink protein shakes and I talk myself out of ice cream cravings. Every day I get up and force myself to work out because I know that if I don't, I will be the same miserable girl I used to be and I never want to be that again.
But let's get real for a second here. Just because I'm personally going through this awesome process in my life doesn't mean everyone or everything else is. I'm still dealing with residual problems from last year and sometimes they feel even harder to overcome because I'm doing this too.
Sure I might make jokes about how all the extra cleaning I'm doing is extra kj's being burnt but that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling the pain of the betrayal of my old housemates. I might smile when Scott makes a comment about the exercises in the workout I'm doing but that make me any less angry that he isn't on the floor with me. I try and be positive when my friend offers me advice from 300km away, but truth is I want to punch her in the face because, to me, I need this so much more than she does and I hate that she's excelling and I'm not.
The truth is that starting this journey I had no idea how lonely or unsupported I'd feel. That secretly I hate that the one person who's supposed to jump on this with me sits there and drinks soft drink in front of me and has the audacity to make comments about the workout that I'm busting my ass over.
I hate the fact that I have no one cheering me on or even friend's who are willing to go out and eat $15 salads with me so I can feel supported. I hate that the only person doing this with me makes me feel like crap and guilty because they've somehow made this a competition. I hate that I don't have family hugging me and supporting me when I feel so alone.
The truth about losing weight is that it's 50% diet and exercise and the other 50 dealing with the deepest pain and insecurities that you never wanted to deal with. There's no cupcakes to fill that void or chocolate to hide it with.
I'm learning that it's one thing to force myself to do one more reverse crunch. But it's another to sit and cry about the loss of my family, or come to terms with all the bad things that have happened in my life. To accept that even though it was 8 years ago, I'm still living with the scars of my trauma. That all those cruel girls in school weren't my fault and that I deserve better than every guy who's hurt me or the father who left me at conception.
That it's ok to feel pain over all these things and to need to take 5 and just cry. That I don't need to be ashamed of my existence like I've been conditioned to believe. That I will be OK.
I'm sorry for the ramble, and I'm sure a lot of you were hoping for a more positive post. I'm sorry to anyone I've offended, wait no I'm not? Why would I apologise for being honest? Anyway thanks for listening internet. Stay Shiny!
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