Becoming "That Girl"

Hey Guys!

So it's January 27th and I initially planned to write this post on January 30th but I'm having a housewarming party and will probably be wayy too tired to do it the next day so I've decided to do it tonight.

Anyway. A recent post I made was about my story and although I didn't really go into detail about the weight and body image aspect of my life, I hope you guys gathered the general gist of it.

In case you didn't, I grew up in a family with a very dominant obesity gene. I was pretty lucky though and despite suffering body image issues for other reasons, I maintained a size 12-16 through high school and then prior to May last year, a size 12.

So naturally, not only did I grow up with the importance of healthy eating being drilled into my head but also having a serious judgement for anyone who was "That Girl"

You know who "That Girl" is. Her postal address is the gym, Her Instagram is responsible for the invention of #cleaneating and the Activewear Song was written about her. She's the single most annoying person you know and I, for one, HATED her.

But here's the crazy thing. As I'm watching myself become "That Girl", I'm learning some pretty cool stuff about her. She's got a really positive outlook on life. Challenges that come her way aren't the end of the world, they're just challenges that she knows she can overcome. Her anxiety is so much better managed and in the hours after her workout- she's that bit happier.

A year ago food was an emotional crutch for me. Every week I'd scourer the supermarket catalogue to see if my favourite treats were on sale. I still do that, but now its accompanied by squeals of joy as I discover avocados are on sale.

If any of you read my post on January 1st about how this "isn't some new years resolution and I'll actually stick with it" and were secretly thinking "Yeah right Cara, this won't last the month"  then you weren't alone. That thought ran through my head every day of the first 2 weeks, and honestly it still creeps back in there sometimes. But here I am nearly 1 month later and I'm still going. I'm so proud of myself for coming this far. Of continuously trying to eat healthier and exercise even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.

In other exciting news: I'm starting TAFE again next week and to be honest I'm super nervous about repeating the course I failed last year. But as one of my mentors pointed out, I've got a serious advantage this time. I know what caused me to fail last time. I know what's coming and how to be fully prepared for it. This time, I believe in myself!

Being "That Girl" is exhausting, fun, intense, crazy, scary and the best decision I've ever made.

Sorry Instagram, but I'll never be joining this bandwagon

Define "Australia Day"

Today is January 26th- Australia Day, which is supposed to be a day of doing what us Aussies do best- relaxing and being grateful for the great country we get to call home. Whether it's relishing in that sweet, sweet public holiday pay at work (Cheers Unions!) or pretending you actually know how to play backyard cricket, it's all about having fun and in general being Aussie.

When I was a kid, Australia Day usually involved some form of patriotic food (I'm talking serious lamington binge here people) or watching Dad justify a couple of VB's whilst sweltering round the tv watching sport of some kind. There was no mention of political correctness, torching vegans or "Invasion Day" it was just a day where we were grateful for the roof over our heads and the food to eat. To me, Australia Day is just the Australian equivalent of "Thanksgiving", minus the turkey's the size of small houses (Seriously Americans! How do you people eat those things!)

Last week consumers chucked a fit over Australia Day caps from Woolworths that had "accidentally" left Tasmania out of the Australian Flag, 3 days later some poor Coles employee, in Toowong,  was probably char-grilled over why they had put up flags that had the southern cross backwards. But most shockingly of all; Twitter went ballistic over the 2016 "Australia Day Lamb" ad that featured the torching of a vegan's home.

Seriously! Aside from the Bogan's who'd even notice a difference?

All of this is in addition to the fact that whenever I signed into Facebook today there was a whole new slew of posts about "Invasion Day" and "Honoring our Indigenous heritage". Nothing about salty beach cricket, praises to our amazing emergency services who worked to keep everyone safe today, or even a slightly racist joke!

How the bloody hell did we get to the point of such obsession with political correctness? Since when did we lose our ability to laugh at ourselves or shrug it off? Whatever happened to "No worries mate" or "She'll be right"?

Let's be real for a second here people..........

Our country was built on the backs of hard work, mateship and fun! Yeah we fucked up and technically stole the island off it's indigenous owners but we've grown from that. We apologised (Well Kevin did anyway) and have worked so hard to show you guys we're sorry! But why are we still beating ourselves up 200 years (and multiple generations) later and furthermore still dwelling on it? At what point do we forgive ourselves, grab a beer and get on with it?

We're the country that prides itself on commemorating it's greatest military failure every year (Anzac Day), Our best comedians make their annual incomes from insulting the current prime minister/s, Just about every animal can and will try to kill you and questionably racist insults pre-date our federation.

Our entire culture and international image focuses around traditions and attitudes that simply aren't true anymore! And when you boil it down the fact is this: I don't care if you're Indigenous, Bogan, Gay, Straight, Vegan, Coeliac, Catholic, Muslim, Overweight, Depressed or Tony Abbott, if you're able to laugh at yourself and hand me a pair of tongs if I need them- You're an Aussie!

Happy Australia Day!

C'mon we're even prone to "borrowing" national icons

The Lonely Hours

It's been 2 weeks almost since I started the 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge and Day 2 of the POP Pilates for Beginners 4 week workout plan. So far I'm sticking to my schedule and as much as I've cried in pain over the insane amount of flexing involved and all but swam in my own sweat I'm in general feeling good.My anxiety is under better control as well which is a definite added bonus.

I read motivational quotes and repeat them to myself, I drink protein shakes and I talk myself out of ice cream cravings. Every day I get up and force myself to work out because I know that if I don't, I will be the same miserable girl I used to be and I never want to be that again.

But let's get real for a second here. Just because I'm personally going through this awesome process in my life doesn't mean everyone or everything else is. I'm still dealing with residual problems from last year and sometimes they feel even harder to overcome because I'm doing this too.

 Sure I might make jokes about how all the extra cleaning I'm doing is extra kj's being burnt but that doesn't mean I'm not still feeling the pain of the betrayal of my old housemates. I might smile when Scott makes a comment about the exercises in the workout I'm doing but that make me any less angry that he isn't on the floor with me. I try and be positive when my friend offers me advice from 300km away, but truth is I want to punch her in the face because, to me, I need this so much more than she does and I hate that she's excelling and I'm not.

The truth is that starting this journey I had no idea how lonely or unsupported I'd feel. That secretly I hate that the one person who's supposed to jump on this with me sits there and drinks soft drink in front of me and has the audacity to make comments about the workout that I'm busting my ass over.

 I hate the fact that I have no one cheering me on or even friend's who are willing to go out and eat $15 salads with me so I can feel supported. I hate that the only person doing this with me makes me feel like crap and guilty because they've somehow made this a competition. I hate that I don't have family hugging me and supporting me when I feel so alone.

The truth about losing weight is that it's 50% diet and exercise and the other 50 dealing with the deepest pain and insecurities that you never wanted to deal with. There's no cupcakes to fill that void or chocolate to hide it with.

I'm learning that it's one thing to force myself to do one more reverse crunch. But it's another to sit and cry about the loss of my family, or come to terms with all the bad things that have happened in my life. To accept that even though it was 8 years ago, I'm still living with the scars of my trauma. That all those cruel girls in school weren't my fault and that I deserve better than every guy who's hurt me or the father who left me at conception.

That it's ok to feel pain over all these things and to need to take 5 and just cry. That I don't need to be ashamed of my existence like I've been conditioned to believe. That I will be OK.

I'm sorry for the ramble, and I'm sure a lot of you were hoping for a more positive post. I'm sorry to anyone I've offended, wait no I'm not? Why would I apologise for being honest? Anyway thanks for listening internet. Stay Shiny!

Recap: End of week 1

Hi guys!
So incase you haven't noticed I've been posting a fair bit about my lifestyle changes on here and it's something I plan on continuing. It's a great way for me to out my ever changing feelings about this new way of living and also keep myself accountable to some extent.

So it's almost the end of the first week of 2016 and in general I'm feeling pretty good about it so far. I'm really surprised at what I'm finding the most challenging with diet and exercise.


Diet

Initially I thought it would really hard to give up the junk food's I love (Oh how I miss you sneaky-entire-box-of-cookies) but truthfully it hasn't. Every day I'm looking up various new recipes on Blogilates.com and consulting my new cookbooks and I have to tell you there's some pretty delicious options out there.

Although I'm not following a strict kilo joule count or diet, I am being more aware of what I'm consuming and have taken to reading the nutritional info on all products I buy. I can see why it's so easy to put on weight when there's so many misleading products on the market. Shopping at Coles tonight I was horrified at the fat and sugar content of previously "essential" items.

 I had a set back yesterday and binged on a chocolate milkshake. But today I picked myself back up again and got right back on the healthier snacks. After the hard time I've been having detoxing I'm surprised I didn't feel worse today.

The Chicken Mexican salad that I took to my baby sitting job the other day

Exercise 

Even though my focus this month is more so on changing my diet, I've been doing the Blogilates 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge. So far I've been managing to do the exercises every night before bed. Although I can't see an improvement yet I am slowly starting to feel myself getting stronger each night.

On Monday I decided I was also going to do the Blogilates January Calendar of workout videos. I managed 4/8 videos assigned for that day and by the end of the fourth one I was apparently making sex noises whilst swearing profusely at my laptop and sweating to the point of where I probably could've solved Queensland's drought crisis with my back sweat alone.

Sufficient to say that after feeling the wrath of muscles I didn't know I had for the last 2 days this goal has now been adjusted to aiming to do 2 workout videos 3 times a week.

Mental 

As my attitude towards food has been changing I'm noticing more and more how much I used to rely on food for an emotional crutch and as a solution to boredom. This, combined with the current stress of my life and tiredness from detoxing, has been really hard to deal with. Monday night I had a severe anxiety episode (Probably the worst so far) which was quite distressing for all involved. I'm scared the anxiety will return full time. I haven't eaten out with anyone other than Scott yet, and I'm super nervous about this as there are so few healthy restaurants and I don't have the most supportive network of friends. Still, I'm trying to be as positive as possible and snatch up any moments of joy I get!

All in all I'm feeling pretty good in general about the changes so far and am staying focused on the little victories and celebrating them with loads of self praise and self love. Even though they are probably nothing to everyone else to me they are everything and I'm so proud of myself.

Tonight's mouthwatering green pasta. Zucchini vegetti with roasted Kent pumpkin, ricotta, shallots and baby spinach.