The Art of Losing

They say dying is easy and it probably is. Living is really god damn hard.

Recently I was put in a position I'd never been in before. I was put between 2 sets of friends, both of whom had valid arguments. I never got as far as studying diplomacy in I.R, and I haven't watched all of TNG so maybe that was it. I made a snap decision to take the middle road and thought that was the safest bet. It wasn't.

Once you get past the apologies, the tears, the fighting and defending your case you're left with the reality. You're left with the acceptance of several different stories of what happened, a knowledge that only time will amend, and that for now all you can do is focus on moving one forward in front of the other. You accept that your life will never be the same again and that you can longer think more than 10mins ahead. There's no point in fantasizing about an alternate future because that may never exist.

"And when that life turned against us, we comforted ourselves in the knowledge that it really wasn't our fault, not really. You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore"

You recall what you've survived in the past and try to accept that this to is another thing you'll have to learn. That those who lined your footpath, all those other times you learned to walk again, are no longer there and it's all on you now kiddo. How hard you fight is up to you, no one is measuring your success now. This is rock bottom and it's your chance to build yourself from scratch .

..............................................

A few weeks later.......

In time things get easier. You still fight your demons each day, but you know that you can get up and go to coffee shop with the man who, despite the odds,  is falling for you. You find a way to accept your empty bank account and smile at your Ikea bed. Your life isn't the glorious whirlwind of going to the gym and advancing yourself beyond expectation like you thought- but you're alive and you've survived and you'll continue to do so.

You still deeply miss hearing your best friend telling you to grab your gun and bring in the cat and you're terrified of tomorrow. You gain clarity in realising it wasn't the end of the world  because no matter what happens next you're walking on your own two feet and you are still here. Besides, the art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities but it wasn't a disaster