The Honeymoon is Over!

In every relationship, there's a "honeymoon" period. You're madly in love, they're perfect and the sex is mindblowing. But then the pigeon slams into the window and it shatters. Suddenly you'reacutely aware of their snoring, nagging voice and morning breath.

This week I learnt that adulthood has its own Honeymoon period. You start out fresh out of home- Centrelink and Mummy have your back! Pay Day is Pub Day and any money you earn is immediately spent on hipster tees, a gym membership and Chai lattes (The 2014 West End version of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll).

In the space of 3 days Centrelink axed my Healthcare Card, my car faltered for unknown reasons (leading me to quickly realise that "Boyfriend" is not Australian slang for "Taxi") and Mummy just couldn't save me this time.

There's no easy way to say it: Adulthood sucks! Working your ass off all week and then realising you have a choice between eating or medication isn't fun, nor is never having enough time for your loved ones or having to figure out tax returns.

Yet the thing is. I still wouldn't change a thing. Being an adult is exhausting and so overrated but in a way it's fun. Remember being a kid and playing "Grown ups"? No, not every day is like that, but God it's fun when it is! When I go to work for a week and come home to Reese having made me dinner, or sitting around for hours drinking wine with Merida - and subsequently challenging every fictional best friend relationship in history. It's well worth it for that!

     (Also when you make your bedroom look like an Ikea catalogue)

Woo Hoo *Bitchy Woman

Being a woman is a bitch!

I swear if I hear one more man complain about PMS or hear the phrase "Damn it woman". I'll become a lesbian just to troll you all. 

Being a woman isn't fun! Whilst I'm sure the male gender comes with your own problems. I'm yet to hear you fella's being teased about your emotions- the closest you get to that is the accusation that you have the emotional range of a teaspoon. 

Well, Why is being a woman such a bitch I hear you sarcastically ask. 

Let me break it down for you. Work, Body and ultimately - Society

Work

Can we please stop pretending that women aren't cut out for man's jobs? Or that there's even such a thing as a "man" or "woman's" job. I work in a physically demanding retail job. My boss and A.M are women and I promise you - we all work just as hard as any of our male coworkers. I'm lucky to work for a company that values equality- but damn I feel sorry for my sisters on salary who earn 70c to every man's $1. Is it worth mentioning that because of the laws around paid maternity, we're likely working harder than our male counterparts to make ends meat in some circumstances? 

To be clear- This our CURRENT Minister for Education 

Body

 If I hear one more word about 'empowering women' or 'body image' I'm going to burn and sacrifice my designer Zara dress........

Ok now I have your attention.....ladies and fashion conscious men. When I started this blog I vowed to be both brutally honest and cynical. I may have been away for a while but I'm back and tonight will be writing about something I'm truly passionate about- No it isn't wine- although that does explain my recent emplo.........Anyway. 

So there's a few things I take issue with here. But it all comes down to this

CAN WE PLEASE STOP CALLING CURVY WOMEN REAL WOMEN.........

Seriously!!!
A while ago I got into a discussion on social media with several young women on the topic of shaming women for different body sizes. 

As pointed out by S, 25 "Whether you're too large, or too small- just because you don't fit into societies norms  means you're fair game for anyone to have a crack at" (Read more: Like Seriously?)

 I find it disturbing that as a weird twist of 'protest' against the media culture of skinny models,  common society has started to shame skinny girls and praise curves. Get into a dictionary (No you may NOT cheat and Google it) and look up the definitions of "Real" and "Woman" I think you'll find that the only definition available is a human identifying as female. 

WHY THE HELL AM I RUNNING?????

When I was 12, puberty hit and I had firmly decided that, unlike my classmates, there was no point in running unless my life was in danger- pretty reasonable logic right? It wasn't apparently or at least not until 9 years later when Tracey Spicer got up the gall to tell it like it is. The Lady Stripped Bare

My next point on the topic of "Body". Our bodies take a beating- not only do we get the fun of childbirth but also the parasitic accomplice of PMS and menstruation.

Now while you guys are happily joking about your bitch being on the rags or yelling "Shut up woman" over our hormonal outbursts, we're battling a physical condition that is clearly an evolutionary joke.

 As any loving father of daughters or emotionally in tune boyfriend will tell you- We are NOT having fun when we're clutching our uterus's and going through more emotions than Melbourne does weather in 30mins. So if we have the decency to not publicly mock your weird obsessions with boobs-  which by the way hurt, ooze, grow weird hairs and hate the booby prisons known as bra's, can you please shut up about our emotions?

                                                            Pretty much actually

Society

I know this girl called *Aleisha. She's one of the sassiest, most gorgeous women I've ever met and I'm proud to call her one of my best friends. To me she's just Aleisha- defined only by herself. But to so many others she's still defined by the fact she used to be *Stephen. Aleisha is an inspiration, because despite the fact it's the 21st century- she still battles against a society that condemns transgender people and sometimes seems hell bent on reverting back to the time before human rights or feminism itself.

Dear Society,

I don't care if you're male, female, conservative or a freaking squirrel. Can you please stop making it so damn hard for my gender.

CAN YOU PLEASE STOP WISHLIST

Making clothes shopping a trauma
Ruining our self-esteem and body confidence
Calling sexually liberated women Sluts and Whores
Putting stupid taxes on tampons
Discriminating against transgender and Bi people - No I'm not fucking "confused"
Mocking lesbians
Thinking all feminists hate men and we're just a hoard of angry vagina's
Judging us because of OUR choices about OUR lives - I'm looking at you anti-abortionists
Sending us mixed messages resulting in this ( Apparently we don't need feminism? )
Giving us crap if we're brave enough to speak up against anything

And FINALLY.................

Pissing us off to the point where we find it necessary to write posts like this in the first place!

It's August 2014 and I'm off to research entering a law degree

Losing yourself

It's raining, and rain makes me think. I have tea and an hour before I need to leave for work. This piece has been a work in the making of several months- So forgive the apparent lack of continuity. The thing is though- I don't make sense and that's whats so delightfully wonderful about me.

When I started writing this post, it began as a forced process to "prove a point" and ultimately ignore a now glaringly obvious point about my life. I'm hesitant to write this because of both my love of denial and tendency to have 'startling revelations' that result in intense face-palming and no action being taken. This is a relatively poignant moment for me though and it seems foolish to waste an opportunity to write.


 I've been absent for a few months and - despite the fact my readership probably consists of my parents best friend, I figured I owed it to you guys to get out of bed and bring my snarky cynicism back to the page.

I suppose part of the reason is because the last few months I feel like I havent had a voice- insert shield against feminist uproar/ accusation about having a patriarchal boyfriend here.

 My life has taken on a blissful level of boring, a world where my biggest whinge is that there's new species of mould growing in my housemates crockery- really wish I was kidding about that. It's not that I don't read feminist articles and rage over politics anymore, but rather I know that that's not going to pay my rent.....yet anyway.

Somehow in 4 months I've become an adult. Apparently that doesn't happen overnight, I call bullshit. I blame a few things, primarily my first 'adult relationship' and becoming totally financially independent - which I still think are seriously overrated by the way.

So I got a permanent part time job and within a week realized two major things. Firstly that retail is not an easy job and secondly? No wonder my parents are always so tired!.  Suddenly I LEGITMATELY  need to do my laundry, really really badly; end up looking at my pay check each week with a "I worked THAT hard for THIS", let alone my serious envy of people who get normal weekends. I love my job, and on a recent holiday-  I swear I started twitching after 4 days without it.

The other night we talked. Of the many things said and debated that night the one thing that truly smacked me in the fact was "You act like a 1950's conservative house wife", It came fast and furious. How had the once vivacious, independent and proudly feminist Cara  given way to what I'm pretty sure is Tony Abbott and Chris Pyne's ideal 'woman'. I had surrendered my voice, become dependent on a man and was insisting on doing the domestic chores constantly because "I'm a woman".

That night I made a promise to myself that the rule book went out the window- and it kind of has. This week a comedic hero died and my role model marriage fell apart. Nothing in life makes sense or is serious. It's so easy to get caught up in the hum drum of work, relationships and even depression. There is no startling revelations and no one is invincible. I'm violently against the taxes put on tampons and to hell with being a Stepford Wife.

There is so much I want to say and ask, and even with my lack of life skills. I really want to know how the hell you deal with a stray possum in the work place.

My house is a mess, and this week I was bitten by a crab the size of my thumbnail.

(Attempting to be a 1950's housewife)

Time Indifferent

I'm different. I accept that. 

I am 21 and something. I have a job. I have friends and a boyfriend. I appear normal. But am I?

Sixteen

My eyelids stay shut
I won't let them move
They are all that's keeping me here
Keeping that wave upon the sand

I step out in dress and shoes
A vision of crimson
Pose Smile Flash
Frozen in time

Sunshine filters through
Everything invites me in
Clasp tight upon my breast
Verbose Gumption

Wind Ice Sunrise
Running along the dune
Directors Cut

He traces
Love on my belly
Safety a vague identity

The ocean rushes
Wave reclaimed
Dreams shattered
Eye's awake

Seventeen

When you're failing english
I am there, study notes in hand

When you're fighting with your boyfriend
I am there, listening

When youre abandoned by your friends
I am there, sitting by your side

Yet when I'm failing science
You couldnt care less

When I'm crying over a friend
So sit there and say nothing

When you abandon me
Well thats that 

Eighteen 


Would they even notice?
If I went insane?

Would they even care?
If I went insane?


Would they even talk to me?
If I went insane?

What if suddenly?
I just stopped talking?
or stopping running around?

Would they even help?

Would they even notice?
If I went insane?

No! They'd be too embarrassed! 
Too horrified and ashamed!


Twenty-One 

Are things really different to then?
No?
Yes? 
Even I can't answer that.......

Into Darkness

Today I woke up, showered and then put on the same clothes I wore to bed. I was exhausted. I'm sleepy and sad and too tired to even make tea or food. Because what's the point?

I am 21 and yesterday my manager informed me I have no hours due to Easter. I cried, but then realised it didn't matter because I don't go out anymore anyway. Going out means putting on a bra and mental make up. It means working so hard to project an image that I'm ok and that I won't scream or claw at my skin in the street- even though I want too, every hour of every day.

I have a boyfriend, whom every day tries so hard to love me and yet whom I feel indifferent too. He may be the best thing that's happened to me in years and I know it but I can't feel it. My mind tells me I love him, but I can't remember the last time my body felt excited in his presence, that I felt like his actual girlfriend and not just a sock doll with painted on lips and eyes.

Some days are better than others, some days I can get up, clean the house, drink half a bottle of something and appear happy and normal to the world. But days like today I can't. I see no point in getting out of bed and question why I even bothered to shower.

At first depression is a really sad stage- we cry and drama to our friends and slowly but surely push them away. But as the disease advances- we stop caring, we feel horrible numbness and darkness and become committed to hiding it when we do venture to the world. I talk to my friends all the time on Facebook, but they never know what's going on inside.

Everything irritates me, and anything can set me off- So I try not to leave my room and my doona. For the first time in my life I am experiencing not just the emotional symptoms of depression but the physical too- and that really scares me.

All I want is to be normal, have energy and be able to get up and do things like normal people. I want to be beautiful and skinny and have a good job and wear nice clothes and a group of friends. But that will never be normal for me.  If I can write half a job application today- then that's something big.

Quite often it feels impossible to explain my definition of 'normal' but I imagine it's like the weather......in Melbourne. On average I get 180 days of sunshine a year if I'm lucky and even then I can go from freezing cold to sweltering heat to pouring rain to dust storms in the space of 30 mins.

Do you know how hard it is to study or work like that? When some days you feel like you never grew out of puberty with your hormones and others you just don't see the point of getting out of bed. My illness isn't a choice and I can't just get over it. It's a cage and I really don't have control over how I feel.

Convincing people that I'm not faking it or lazy or have a vicious personality or am attention seeking is hard. I even struggle to convince doctors sometimes. "Just because you don't understand it, Doesn't mean it isn't real to me!" is what I feel like screaming sometimes, but I don't because even then they'd laugh at me.

I am not writing this to garner attention or pity but to try and explain what it's like from the inside out.

T.V Series- What they really represent!

It's Thursday night and you've just ditched your girlfriend's offer to cook for you- Why? Because hello! Season finale of HIMYM

We're all guilty of 'watching one episode' to check out a series before quickly proceeding to binge for the next 48 hours straight. You become personally invested in the series, the characters and their stories! Then you go outside and realise that no one else is particularly devastated, much less cares, about the death of George O'Malley (Grey's Anatomy- if you haven't watched past Season 5 then we really can't be friends!)

You're not part of a fandom, no you're not obssessed- you just can't go to bed without playing the soothing sounds of the "Battlestar Galactica" Soundtrack as your bedtime lullaby.......

Admittedly some of these binge sessions aren't the worst things that could happen!

My list of top series (in no particular order) and my ever accurate assessment!

The O.C (2003-2007)- Assuming you were a first gen O.cer, it ultimately gave you unrealistic expectations of adolescence, high school and guys. However it  was the better "Team *cute guy" debate (Sorry but Twilight does NOT compare to Seth vs. Ryan) and it did make geek's sexy- Cheers Seth!.

Friends (1994-2004) - There is a reason this show lasted a decade. No matter how many times you watch it- Chandler Bings 'bad' humor never gets old. Sure it played on cliched character stereotypes but that didn't make it any less entertaining. Friend's may have ended a decade ago - someone hand me a walking cane!, but it's re-runs have become emotional chicken noodle soup.

Grey's Anatomy (2005-Present) So it's basically the Bridget Jones of t.v series and the best threat of punishment for misbehaving boyfriends since the invention of DFO's. Admitting you like Grey's Anatomy is a little like publically admitting you enjoy cheap wine: You don't want to admit you've gained motivation from the narration of an otherwise glorified soap opera, that you know Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey only as "McSteamy" and McDreamy" or that you were secretly heartbroken after they killed off ******** at the end of season ******* (Still not as many deaths as Game of Thrones!). Oh I forgot- It also gave unrealistic expecta.......just kidding- There's no such thing as an ugly doctor!

Star Trek (BC- 2005)- Everyone has a Star Trek story and I've formed deep relationships with lecturers, coworkers and friends based on the knowledge of what "The Borg" refers to. That being said I've also almost lost relationships over who the better captain was. Star Trek has the brilliance of combining realistic to achieve sci-fi with morality and really epic quotes. It really did make a lot of radical concepts - like being a woman, black, asexual, or nerdy totally accept to society - just as long as you are wearing a really flattering jumpsuit.

Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009) - Every series has their identifier, so why not have yours be the power to curse constantly on prime time t.v and make technosexuality appealing?. Of course there's the brilliant plot line and beautiful interaction between politics, religion and science and you really do love Roslin's 'visions' on 'kamala root' and Adama's "Come at me Bro" attitude but lets be honest- The only things anyone ever remembers about BSG is that Six and Baltar and that pilot chick have the sex life most of us dream of.

How I Met Your Mother (2005-2014) - Barney's real life counterpart may be the guy we avoid at all costs, but who hasn't read the Bro Code? Who hasn't found themselves personally identifying with any of the other characters? and who hasn't celebrated the fact the world's most legen.....wait for it.....dairy straight dude is in fact played by a gay guy?

Dexter (2006-2013) - Only in America would writers contrive a way to make psychopathic serial killers sexy and appealing to the general public. I never had the misfortune of getting addicted to Dexter- mainly because after watching two episodes I developed a hyper suspicion of every tall, blonde and muscular guy I knew. However those two episodes I watched did leave me with a disconcertingly blase attitude towards blood.

House (2004-2012) - In reality- if you had Dr House as your doctor, you'd be screwed. In the magical world of television though- this guy is a legend. Not only does he get away with being a total jackass but the series also reinvented the concept of "Wilson!". It goes without saying that serious credit goes to the writers of this series, even if it did make life slightly harder for people who genuinely do have Lupus!

Game of Thrones (2011-Present) - Haven't actually watched this since I'm involved in politics and hence don't need too, but from what I hear it's the mother of all soul gathering, overly dramatic and lets kill off everyone in the series there is - See my point? In fact - Just join a political party


Happy Weekend Folks!

The Art of Losing

They say dying is easy and it probably is. Living is really god damn hard.

Recently I was put in a position I'd never been in before. I was put between 2 sets of friends, both of whom had valid arguments. I never got as far as studying diplomacy in I.R, and I haven't watched all of TNG so maybe that was it. I made a snap decision to take the middle road and thought that was the safest bet. It wasn't.

Once you get past the apologies, the tears, the fighting and defending your case you're left with the reality. You're left with the acceptance of several different stories of what happened, a knowledge that only time will amend, and that for now all you can do is focus on moving one forward in front of the other. You accept that your life will never be the same again and that you can longer think more than 10mins ahead. There's no point in fantasizing about an alternate future because that may never exist.

"And when that life turned against us, we comforted ourselves in the knowledge that it really wasn't our fault, not really. You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore"

You recall what you've survived in the past and try to accept that this to is another thing you'll have to learn. That those who lined your footpath, all those other times you learned to walk again, are no longer there and it's all on you now kiddo. How hard you fight is up to you, no one is measuring your success now. This is rock bottom and it's your chance to build yourself from scratch .

..............................................

A few weeks later.......

In time things get easier. You still fight your demons each day, but you know that you can get up and go to coffee shop with the man who, despite the odds,  is falling for you. You find a way to accept your empty bank account and smile at your Ikea bed. Your life isn't the glorious whirlwind of going to the gym and advancing yourself beyond expectation like you thought- but you're alive and you've survived and you'll continue to do so.

You still deeply miss hearing your best friend telling you to grab your gun and bring in the cat and you're terrified of tomorrow. You gain clarity in realising it wasn't the end of the world  because no matter what happens next you're walking on your own two feet and you are still here. Besides, the art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities but it wasn't a disaster