Recap: End of week 1

Hi guys!
So incase you haven't noticed I've been posting a fair bit about my lifestyle changes on here and it's something I plan on continuing. It's a great way for me to out my ever changing feelings about this new way of living and also keep myself accountable to some extent.

So it's almost the end of the first week of 2016 and in general I'm feeling pretty good about it so far. I'm really surprised at what I'm finding the most challenging with diet and exercise.


Diet

Initially I thought it would really hard to give up the junk food's I love (Oh how I miss you sneaky-entire-box-of-cookies) but truthfully it hasn't. Every day I'm looking up various new recipes on Blogilates.com and consulting my new cookbooks and I have to tell you there's some pretty delicious options out there.

Although I'm not following a strict kilo joule count or diet, I am being more aware of what I'm consuming and have taken to reading the nutritional info on all products I buy. I can see why it's so easy to put on weight when there's so many misleading products on the market. Shopping at Coles tonight I was horrified at the fat and sugar content of previously "essential" items.

 I had a set back yesterday and binged on a chocolate milkshake. But today I picked myself back up again and got right back on the healthier snacks. After the hard time I've been having detoxing I'm surprised I didn't feel worse today.

The Chicken Mexican salad that I took to my baby sitting job the other day

Exercise 

Even though my focus this month is more so on changing my diet, I've been doing the Blogilates 30 Day Waist-trainer Challenge. So far I've been managing to do the exercises every night before bed. Although I can't see an improvement yet I am slowly starting to feel myself getting stronger each night.

On Monday I decided I was also going to do the Blogilates January Calendar of workout videos. I managed 4/8 videos assigned for that day and by the end of the fourth one I was apparently making sex noises whilst swearing profusely at my laptop and sweating to the point of where I probably could've solved Queensland's drought crisis with my back sweat alone.

Sufficient to say that after feeling the wrath of muscles I didn't know I had for the last 2 days this goal has now been adjusted to aiming to do 2 workout videos 3 times a week.

Mental 

As my attitude towards food has been changing I'm noticing more and more how much I used to rely on food for an emotional crutch and as a solution to boredom. This, combined with the current stress of my life and tiredness from detoxing, has been really hard to deal with. Monday night I had a severe anxiety episode (Probably the worst so far) which was quite distressing for all involved. I'm scared the anxiety will return full time. I haven't eaten out with anyone other than Scott yet, and I'm super nervous about this as there are so few healthy restaurants and I don't have the most supportive network of friends. Still, I'm trying to be as positive as possible and snatch up any moments of joy I get!

All in all I'm feeling pretty good in general about the changes so far and am staying focused on the little victories and celebrating them with loads of self praise and self love. Even though they are probably nothing to everyone else to me they are everything and I'm so proud of myself.

Tonight's mouthwatering green pasta. Zucchini vegetti with roasted Kent pumpkin, ricotta, shallots and baby spinach.

Reflections on the Uncreation of Elkenwood

Greetings my minions! (errrr I mean faithful band of relatives/ friends),

I've never attempted a review before so naturally I was pretty stoked when my request to review a debut single for a local (an in my opinion rather epic band) was gratuitously granted.

Sure this band describes themselves as being "Progressive black folk metal" which means that if I screw this up I'll probably end up stumbling around a Norwegian forest with Elk antlers attached to my head wearing nothing but a majestic as fuck fur coat, but lets not go into that.

Now I know nothing about metal but I do appreciate good music. So when my , then coworker, Gareth Graham struck up a conversation about the ethics of a tender moment with David Gilmour, I was intrigued. Fortunately this conversation quickly strayed and I was soon introduced to the delightfully eccentric and talented Nic Williams and then, by extension, Elkenwood.

Based in Brisbane, Elkenwood describes themselves as drawing their influence from "the natural world, astronomy, astral planes, Tolkien, psychedelia, lupines and cervines, boreal habitats and taiga forest, the 1970's, Mary Jane, love, life and death" (Taken from their website) but to me that description doesn't do it justice.

Elkenwood's debut "Uncreation" is what I'm guessing the eternal birthing of the universe (or Gareth Graham's soul) sounds like. It's a tangle of melodic guitar and roughly hewn vocals graced with elements reminiscent of "Great Gig in the Sky" (Dark Side of the Moon 1973). Performed by Nic Williams (Lead Guitar), Gareth Graham (Lead Vocals, Rhythm Guitar, Piano, Bass), Sid Falck (Drums) and Dalton Wilson (Acoustic Guitar) it truly is a testament to the thriving cesspool of talent that is the Brisbane music scene.

I encourage all of you to uncreate yourselves and check them out!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Elkenwoodband
Reverbnation: http://www.reverbnation.com/elkenwood
Twitter: https://twitter.com/elkenwoodband
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCjPoujIXvT1SrjbDWraSlrw

Maple Bacon Beer Battered Cupcakes

It's safe to say S and I's relationship is built on 3 things: Assembling furniture, Offensive to everyone but ourselves humor and binge watching t.v series. Whether it's Falling Skies, Big Bang Theory or Grey's Anatomy it's tradition to for us to curl up, blast the air con and get our girl/ nerd on every night.

Our current binge? 2 Broke Girls and before you ask: No, I didn't have to duct tape, bound and gag S (or as I like to call him Gurrrrrrl) to watch it. Aside from the fact that Kat Dennings is officially my spirit animal, as an amateur baker I've found myself interested in the cupcakes themselves. Of particular fascination was the "Spring Break Beer Battered Maple Bacon Cupcakes (For Stoners)" (Episode 19, Season 1).

Now even to me, the idea that you could actually get functioning cupcakes out of a batter made with beer- the properties of which are generally counter intuitive to the normal processes of baking, seemed highly unlikely. A quick Google search and the internet seemed to agree. Although many a blogger had tried, it seemed no one had truly succeeded and we'd all just resigned ourselves to the fact that the writers of 2BG were cracked (Gasp!).

With all of this in mind, I- against all sane logic and life prospects, decided to try it anyway. So I threw Dark Side of the Moon on the record player (seemed appropriate) and got to work.

After I preheated the oven. I started the batter mix. Now beer in mind, when I usually bake, I use Coles Canola Spread- because it's cheap and is very soft to work with even when it's well refrigerated. However, given the margarine of error with this dish. I decided it was best to use actual butter.

After beating the eggs, sugar, vanilla and butter it was time to add the beer. Because S absolutely hates beer, I went with James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale, it's lack of bitterness and fruity base made it an ideal choice, knowing if things went south I could easily mask the beer-ness with other ingredients.

 At first I was cautious and only added half the bottle initially, however after I rechecked the consistency I added more for flavour. Obviously, use your own preferences and add more (or less!) of the sugar and beer as you so squire.

Next came the candied bacon. With this I really wanted to keep some continuity of flavour, so I actually used a combination of maple syrup, raw sugar and the leftover beer to candy it in the pan.

Finally came making the frosting, and I'm proud to say I mastered buttercream at last!. Although I will point out that making buttercream and assembling cupcakes in a hot kitchen on a sweltering Australian summer's eve is a bitch to do and would definitely not recommend the experience to anyone!

In total the batch I made yielded about 12 normal sized cupcakes and took around an 1- 1.5hrs to make.

Before I hand you over to the recipe and your own devices, a word on the taste. I know a lot of you are probably raising your eyebrows and thinking "How the F could this possibly taste good" but hear me out.

The final product is an experience. The beer and sugar reaction in the cupcake gives it an almost salty, almost molasses, almost yeasty taste with a flawless crumbly texture. The maple frosting is sweet and buttery and keeps hitting you over and over again in waves. Finally the bacon on top adds a new dimension and startles the palette- personally it left me craving pineapple and beach burgers.

All in all it's best described at the first guy you ever loved. It's quirky, its weird, you don't wanna ruin your friendship and yet somehow you just work.

So here it is. My recipe for Stoners Cupcakes!

CARA'S Maple Bacon Beer Battered Cupcakes 

Ingredients 

Cupcakes 

200g Actual Butter (I use Coles brand because I'm poor but any will probably do)
1.5 cups Raw Sugar
1 tsp Vanilla Extract
2 tbs Maple Syrup
300mls ish James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale
1/2 tsp Cinnamon
1 Egg
1.5-2 cups Wholemeal Self Raising Flour

Candied Bacon 

4-5 strips Streaky Bacon
1 tbs Maple Syrup
2 tbs Raw Sugar
Small Splash of James Squire: The Chancer Pale Ale

Frosting 

250g Actual Butter
1/4 cup Maple Syrup
3 ish cups Icing Sugars

Method 

1. Cupcakes: Beat the egg, sugar, butter, vanilla, maple syrup and cinnamon in a bowl. When creamed, add beer and flour and beat until smooth. Pour into greased cupcake whatevers (Personally I LOVE using silicon moulds) and put in a preheated oven to bake at 175 degrees for approx 30 mins or until firm to touch. Remove and place on rack to cool.

2.  Candied Bacon: In a greased pan, fry bacon with maple syrup, sugar and beer until fossilized. Allow to cool and dry on paper towels then roughly chop into small pieces.

3.Frosting:  In another bowl: Beat the maple syrup and butter whilst slowly adding in the icing sugar until the mixture is roughly the consistency of smooth mashed potatoes.

4. Assembly: Use either a butter knife or piping bag (This really depends on how lazy you're feeling) to spread a layer of frosting on each cupcake. Top with pile of candied bacon.

5. Serving suggestion: Put on Pink Floyd, Get yourself baked and Enjoy!

The Lonely Days

I am 22.

 I live with my boyfriend of over a year, how lovely it feels to say I've been with him for over a year, and my housemate Matt.

 From the outside I have it good. But then I tell you I'm unemployed and maybe you question otherwise.

 I spend my days alone- Scott working seemingly never ending shifts to pay rent and Matt often drifting through the house on a faint whisp of gin.

My friends consist of the old high school chum and his eternal fascination with the monotony of metro-fashion shopping trips and lattes, milk no sugar.

The journalist- with her golden mane, grit determination and butterfly aura.

The Catholic- and his eternal conversation of philosophy and more hidden meanings than a Quentin Tarantino film

And of course my housemate Matt- an evolved alcohol enthusiast who had almost literally carved his thighs into the recliner within a week of moving in.

Does it still look good? Should I mention the father whom, after 22 years of absence, had nestled his way into my life complete with a rich family history and more in common with me than my mother?

Here I am surrounded by people who love me, who cradle me in their lives and let me sob over missing laundry. Yet I am alone

Each day I assess the guilt or death glares earned should I not clean the house, channel surf through Foxtel until I am the t.v guide and count down the hours until the evitable falling asleep in Scott's arms whilst watching Grey's Anatomy late into the night.

I miss the mundane bitching about a boss or clients at work and almost crave the stress of losing an assignment 2 days before it's due.

I have been depressed in my life, but never before have I been just miserable. I'm well aware of everyone around me- keeping me company and trying not to show their concern. Which is why I hide it too, putting on brave faces at cafes and faking laughter in the supermarket.

Each and every day. I fight through the lonely days

An Open Letter to Merida

Dear Merida,

It's been 2 month's since you walked away and for 2 months I've been trying to find the right words to say.

I got accepted into a Prep Program at university starting next year. Reese and I are moving in together come the new year too. All my dreams are coming true and you're not here.
Maybe it's the summer rain, maybe it's the big life choices. But either way I miss you. I miss late nights and bottles of wine on your dining room table with the dogs licking our feet.

I keep trying to fill the void. Thinking  that if I love Reese enough or talk to Lesh enough that it will be filled. But the truth is that every night I cry for my best friend and that when Reese had his attack, all I wanted was you.

Remember that Grey's Anatomy quote that goes "Derek's the love of my life, but you're my soulmate"? Sometimes I think that's still true . Reese is everything to me. He's the reason I get up in the morning and why I can still giggle and smile. But he's not you. He doesn't get Carina jokes and he doesn't want to put on makeup and drink champagne till we fall off the table.

I'm mad at you because you walked away and because Reese put me in that position and because I fucked things up with you like everything else in my life. I don't deserve the things I have and God I'd give them all to have you back.

I still love you and wish it wasn't so hard to live without you sis
- Seven

One moment at a time

"Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, *Cara. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary"- Adaption of the Yoga Jones quote from OINTB

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then surely the road to self-actualization is paved with loneliness and wars with time, or at least that's what I've garnered over the last month.

I don't know if it was by pure coincidence but September was one of the most strange months of my existence. One of transition and development and working harder than ever to push towards self actualization. 

Over the space of about 2 weeks. I lost my relationship of 6 months, my best friend of 2 years and had my car breakdown to the point of the needing nearly a grand in repairs. But I didn't fall apart. Instead I got up and watched as metaphorical windows began shattering around me. 

It's hard to explain what my life is at the present. How the passage of time is always painfully slow.  There are new periods of great loneliness and I miss constantly talking to the now ex and former best friend. Some days this manifests as a dark depression- a deep pool of pain as the extrovert inside me craves the company of others yet other days as a sign of addiction and gratitude at a chance for withdrawal and moving forward. 

It's a bizarre place to be in. One with a now seemingly over abundance of freedom, where aside from work I have 142 hours of free time. A number that near constantly overwhelms me. 

But that is the sheer beauty. I am free.  I feel closer than ever to myself, and have found a new sweetness of bond with my ex. I cherish the relationships I have with those around me and relish in the moments of sweet joy: of sex to the sound of rain on the tin roof, cuddles with my baby 'niece', floating in the pools in Southbank and the rush of endorphins when dancing.

There's no doubt that Reece and Merida changed me for the better. That thanks to them I walk forward confidently and with a fresh perspective on life. Despite our bitter ending- Merida taught me the true meaning of independence and how being alone is sometimes the best.

Then there's Reece, a person who I will always consider a close personal friend. I cannot thank you enough for cleaning the mirror and showing me how beautiful I am, for walking beside me as I hit milestone upon milestone in my personal life and for being the wonderfully rare kindred spirit that you are.

I've learnt to live by living each moment and not thinking more than five in advance. September taught me that life can change in a moment and the only way to move forward is to keep walking and being present.



As part of my healing process immediate post break up. I took a self portrait every day for the first week after. Here is my story (in random order)

I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate the way you snore and are never on time,

I hate your bad puns and childish ways.

And how I want hold you for days and days

I hate that I’m writing this, and how badly I rhyme

I  really hate the way you handle me, the way you can’t speak girl

Yet more so I hate the way you make it ok, the way you rock my world.

I hate that I can’t fix you when you’re hurt or understand what’s going on.

I hate that you don’t try to fix this, even though something’s clearly wrong.

But most of all......

I hate that I let myself fall in love and that now whenever you suffer, I suffer too.

I never want the pain of ever losing you.