Into Darkness

Today I woke up, showered and then put on the same clothes I wore to bed. I was exhausted. I'm sleepy and sad and too tired to even make tea or food. Because what's the point?

I am 21 and yesterday my manager informed me I have no hours due to Easter. I cried, but then realised it didn't matter because I don't go out anymore anyway. Going out means putting on a bra and mental make up. It means working so hard to project an image that I'm ok and that I won't scream or claw at my skin in the street- even though I want too, every hour of every day.

I have a boyfriend, whom every day tries so hard to love me and yet whom I feel indifferent too. He may be the best thing that's happened to me in years and I know it but I can't feel it. My mind tells me I love him, but I can't remember the last time my body felt excited in his presence, that I felt like his actual girlfriend and not just a sock doll with painted on lips and eyes.

Some days are better than others, some days I can get up, clean the house, drink half a bottle of something and appear happy and normal to the world. But days like today I can't. I see no point in getting out of bed and question why I even bothered to shower.

At first depression is a really sad stage- we cry and drama to our friends and slowly but surely push them away. But as the disease advances- we stop caring, we feel horrible numbness and darkness and become committed to hiding it when we do venture to the world. I talk to my friends all the time on Facebook, but they never know what's going on inside.

Everything irritates me, and anything can set me off- So I try not to leave my room and my doona. For the first time in my life I am experiencing not just the emotional symptoms of depression but the physical too- and that really scares me.

All I want is to be normal, have energy and be able to get up and do things like normal people. I want to be beautiful and skinny and have a good job and wear nice clothes and a group of friends. But that will never be normal for me.  If I can write half a job application today- then that's something big.

Quite often it feels impossible to explain my definition of 'normal' but I imagine it's like the weather......in Melbourne. On average I get 180 days of sunshine a year if I'm lucky and even then I can go from freezing cold to sweltering heat to pouring rain to dust storms in the space of 30 mins.

Do you know how hard it is to study or work like that? When some days you feel like you never grew out of puberty with your hormones and others you just don't see the point of getting out of bed. My illness isn't a choice and I can't just get over it. It's a cage and I really don't have control over how I feel.

Convincing people that I'm not faking it or lazy or have a vicious personality or am attention seeking is hard. I even struggle to convince doctors sometimes. "Just because you don't understand it, Doesn't mean it isn't real to me!" is what I feel like screaming sometimes, but I don't because even then they'd laugh at me.

I am not writing this to garner attention or pity but to try and explain what it's like from the inside out.

T.V Series- What they really represent!

It's Thursday night and you've just ditched your girlfriend's offer to cook for you- Why? Because hello! Season finale of HIMYM

We're all guilty of 'watching one episode' to check out a series before quickly proceeding to binge for the next 48 hours straight. You become personally invested in the series, the characters and their stories! Then you go outside and realise that no one else is particularly devastated, much less cares, about the death of George O'Malley (Grey's Anatomy- if you haven't watched past Season 5 then we really can't be friends!)

You're not part of a fandom, no you're not obssessed- you just can't go to bed without playing the soothing sounds of the "Battlestar Galactica" Soundtrack as your bedtime lullaby.......

Admittedly some of these binge sessions aren't the worst things that could happen!

My list of top series (in no particular order) and my ever accurate assessment!

The O.C (2003-2007)- Assuming you were a first gen O.cer, it ultimately gave you unrealistic expectations of adolescence, high school and guys. However it  was the better "Team *cute guy" debate (Sorry but Twilight does NOT compare to Seth vs. Ryan) and it did make geek's sexy- Cheers Seth!.

Friends (1994-2004) - There is a reason this show lasted a decade. No matter how many times you watch it- Chandler Bings 'bad' humor never gets old. Sure it played on cliched character stereotypes but that didn't make it any less entertaining. Friend's may have ended a decade ago - someone hand me a walking cane!, but it's re-runs have become emotional chicken noodle soup.

Grey's Anatomy (2005-Present) So it's basically the Bridget Jones of t.v series and the best threat of punishment for misbehaving boyfriends since the invention of DFO's. Admitting you like Grey's Anatomy is a little like publically admitting you enjoy cheap wine: You don't want to admit you've gained motivation from the narration of an otherwise glorified soap opera, that you know Eric Dane and Patrick Dempsey only as "McSteamy" and McDreamy" or that you were secretly heartbroken after they killed off ******** at the end of season ******* (Still not as many deaths as Game of Thrones!). Oh I forgot- It also gave unrealistic expecta.......just kidding- There's no such thing as an ugly doctor!

Star Trek (BC- 2005)- Everyone has a Star Trek story and I've formed deep relationships with lecturers, coworkers and friends based on the knowledge of what "The Borg" refers to. That being said I've also almost lost relationships over who the better captain was. Star Trek has the brilliance of combining realistic to achieve sci-fi with morality and really epic quotes. It really did make a lot of radical concepts - like being a woman, black, asexual, or nerdy totally accept to society - just as long as you are wearing a really flattering jumpsuit.

Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009) - Every series has their identifier, so why not have yours be the power to curse constantly on prime time t.v and make technosexuality appealing?. Of course there's the brilliant plot line and beautiful interaction between politics, religion and science and you really do love Roslin's 'visions' on 'kamala root' and Adama's "Come at me Bro" attitude but lets be honest- The only things anyone ever remembers about BSG is that Six and Baltar and that pilot chick have the sex life most of us dream of.

How I Met Your Mother (2005-2014) - Barney's real life counterpart may be the guy we avoid at all costs, but who hasn't read the Bro Code? Who hasn't found themselves personally identifying with any of the other characters? and who hasn't celebrated the fact the world's most legen.....wait for it.....dairy straight dude is in fact played by a gay guy?

Dexter (2006-2013) - Only in America would writers contrive a way to make psychopathic serial killers sexy and appealing to the general public. I never had the misfortune of getting addicted to Dexter- mainly because after watching two episodes I developed a hyper suspicion of every tall, blonde and muscular guy I knew. However those two episodes I watched did leave me with a disconcertingly blase attitude towards blood.

House (2004-2012) - In reality- if you had Dr House as your doctor, you'd be screwed. In the magical world of television though- this guy is a legend. Not only does he get away with being a total jackass but the series also reinvented the concept of "Wilson!". It goes without saying that serious credit goes to the writers of this series, even if it did make life slightly harder for people who genuinely do have Lupus!

Game of Thrones (2011-Present) - Haven't actually watched this since I'm involved in politics and hence don't need too, but from what I hear it's the mother of all soul gathering, overly dramatic and lets kill off everyone in the series there is - See my point? In fact - Just join a political party


Happy Weekend Folks!